Sometimes I just feel like everything is hopeless and just defeating.

I'm very reluctant to go back to derby, and I don't know why. So much happened last season that I'm having a hard time letting go of, and I just don't really care anymore. I don't know if caring would mean removing myself from this particular group and going somewhere else, or just being done, period. I don't really feel like I'm DONE done, but I don't think I'm really getting anything or feel like I can grow from this particular situation anymore.

 I don't feel any real reason to work hard, and honestly I'm just bored. I don't know if that comes from kind of being done with Tacoma in general, or from something else.

I feel like a lot of things in my life are at a stalemate. I'm loving school; even Algebra I'm starting to get the hang of. But work, I'm just so over it. I don't love doing hair. I think for a while now I've been waiting for someone to tell me its OK to move on from this career. I just feel like a failure, and also weird and competitive, because so many of my friends have gone to beauty school and are now stylist.

 Its kind of funny, its "trendy" now to go to beauty school and be the "rock and roll stylist", it seems. It was not like that when I went to school. I was scared, and it wasn't really that "hip", unless you were a prissy princess type girl. I would talk about things I was into, and no one had a clue what I was talking about. I was the only girl in the whole school who had "crazy" colored hair and dressed all punk/goth-ish. Now thats everyone in a salon. Everyone has tattoos and "wild" hair, to the point where its not even original. And those damn feathers!


Anyways, I would like to continue doing hair while I'm in school, but I really just want my own space to do it in, I'm sick of feeling the weight of corporate shackles. I'm suffocating. I'm underpaid. I tried getting a new job, but nothings available, or people don't like me. Its such a nasty, catty field, I'm tired of it. And I just don't care anymore. I'm apathetic. Like with so many other things.

Today has been a little frustrating.


This Summer Quarter I am taking Pre-Algebra, and it is kicking my ass already. It is seriously that horrible already. To the point where I've developed Tension Headaches again because I'm so stressed out all the time about it.

 I haven't had a bout of Tension Headaches for a loong time. Basically I've had it since yesterday afternoon, and its just been unrelenting. Today its just been horrible. If you've ever had chronic headaches, you know that you can't just take some ibuprofen, and it goes away. I've found Magnesium works well for me, but only after I have a day or two's worth in my system. Meaning: I don't get any immediate relief from the pain. And actually, its not even really pain, its just a constant gnawing annoyance.

Actually, there is one thing that DOES work for immediate relief, but you can't just walk into the Dr's office or pharmacy and get narcotics. Vicodin usually does the trick to just knock it right out. Well, I guess SOME people can manipulate Dr's into giving them prescriptions, but as someone who's started training to treat drug addicts, its probably not a good idea to participate in drug seeking activities! Although, I am legitimately suffering. I'm actually cursing myself for tossing out the Percocet I was given for my Appendectomy last year. I just got rid of it a month or two ago. Dammit!

I'm gonna go to bed here in about an hour, so hopefully sleep will give me a little relief, and then I can take a full dose of Magnesium tomorrow, and hopefully be feeling better by Thursday! Ugh.

I am doing the right thing by going to school.

I learned this yesterday while sitting in on my first actual course towards my Human Services degree. I haven't been excited about any materials at all in school so far, so it felt amazing to be on the edge of my seat, listening to the instructor go over everything we're going to cover this quarter. I guess thats why last quarter felt like such a drag, because my computer class was boring and the math one was easy, but then frustrating later on.

My math class is moving right along, and so far so good I guess. I thought the teacher assigned us a ton of homework yesterday to be due today, but it turns out they were just practice problems, and we didn't actually have to turn them in. I was stressing myself out for no damn reason at all yesterday!

Today feels a lot better than yesterday, because I only had the one class, and I'm also not working. I filled in at work for a girl last night who's birthday it was (21, holla), and I was just exhausted after I got home. Then I had to do my "homework", and I just couldn't handle it. The neighbors baby was wailing, and their dog was whining (because it doesn't like to be put out on the patio, but they put it out there all the time anyways), then the baby stopped,  and someones smoke alarm went off, which set off the baby again, and ugh it was a nightmare. I totally had a break down and started crying. I was exhausted.

It feels good to have goals and things to work towards. I was in survival mode and depressed for a very long time, so I couldn't focus on anything asides from what was immediately in front of me. Now, I actually have some goals I'd like to achieve, and I'm working towards having a happy life. Yay me!

Learning to say "things are ok, things are going to be ok" was very hard for me, because for the longest time, every time I thought "things couldn't possibly get any worse", they would. Its ok to be happy. It doesn't mean that something terrible is right around the corner. I mean, it could be, but thats life. You have to learn to choose happiness, and take everything else as it comes.

This is another list...

Of things that are awesome. Right now. To me.

Psychobilly
Retro hair
Love
Learning
Working towards optimal health
Goals
"The one"
Future
Kittens (when are kittens NOT an awesome thing in my life)
Sunshine
Budding friendships


This list should be longer than the one of stupid things. My goal, since the beginning of the year, is to work on this. Time to take it up a step.

Yes, I had some bs happen over the last 2 years, but in the last 6 months, after making a conscious choice to become happy, I slowly have. Theres still a long way to go, but this is a start :)

This is my list...

... of things that are stupid.

Algebra
Screaming babies
whining dogs
Working
Drama
P!nk (the musician)
Cheap Vacuums
Getting up early
Being apart more than you're together from someone you love
Having to put in the work to get a degree
Not getting paid enough
Unprofessionalism
Broken engagements
Sleep deprivation
Apathy
Loneliness
Feeling fat
Self deprecation
Living alone


I think that should cover it. Most of these apply to me. A few do not.

I've said way too many goodbyes this week.

I said goodbye to Goldie Locksdown, who was the teammate I related to the most because we're both quiet. I said goodbye to McKenna Getta Witness tonight, who is deploying to Afghanistan very soon. I said goodbye to Knuckleberry Finn, who decided to leave the league and announced it yesterday. And I'll be saying goodbye to Rabbit Kix, who is another favorite teammate that I love working with on the track whos moving in a few weeks.

Too many goodbyes! WTF, everyone needs to quit leaving! Enough change. Now theres like 9 people left on my team, and we have a LOT of work ahead of us. Luckily the off season JUST started, so we have some time. We're planning some fun stuff for over the summer. But damn, goodbyes suck!

This is the last week of "Summer break" already. I can't believe it! Haha. I get another one August 15-September 19, so its not so bad ;) This week is actually crazy I'm thinking about trying to get out of my last fill in shift at the other shop on Wednesday so I can actually have time to relax! Basically my week is like this:

Today (Monday): Work 1-8 (I was booked all day)
Tuesday: 9am staff meeting, 12pm updo test run w/my lovely Thea, 7pm team meeting
Wednesday: Work (maybe, 9-4), Going away party for a teammate (she's deploying)
Thursday:Go to School to buy books & get parking pass, get a pedicure (ok, I know thats not a necessity, but I'm dying to get 2 years worth of derby callouses scraped off my feet. Thats how long its been since I've had a proper pedicure. Since I'm taking a week and a half off of skating, I want to have pretty feet for just a minute!), league meeting 7pm
Friday: Work 1-8
Saturday:Work 10-6
Sunday: OFF! Hooray! Have fun with Darrell!
Monday:Theas wedding (!!!) & Independence Day
Tuesday: School (first day) all day (8:50-2), then work 4-8 (fill in shift for co-worker whos turning 21), then out to celebrate with said co-worker and her sister :)


So yeah, as you can see, the next two weeks are pretty packed. Its all fun stuff, for the most part, so I'm not too stressed.

The season is OVER, and I'm SO happy, and ready to have a mini break. No practice this week for me at all, and then I'm missing next Tuesday because as I mentioned above, I'm covering my co-worker Nicoles shift so she can party because she's finally 21!

I ordered some outdoor wheels and I got them today, and can't wait to start doing some outdoor skating to have some fun and get a little endurance on the side! My team went trail skating last week for practice, and it felt so good to be outside, hauling ass on my skates :) I haven't felt that free doing anything in a really long time.

I'm not excited about having to be at work for some dumb staff meeting, early, on my day off, but I AM excited to see Thea (haven't seen her in over a year), and to meet her little sister. I really enjoy getting to do hair and have a small hand in the special day of people I care about. Even just my clients who's weddings I've been involved with makes me so happy. Weddings are just happy. Yay weddings!

I think I might need to go shopping for a laptop soon, because I have a feeling there is a lot of paper writing in my future, after this quarter.