Sometimes I just feel like everything is hopeless and just defeating.

I'm very reluctant to go back to derby, and I don't know why. So much happened last season that I'm having a hard time letting go of, and I just don't really care anymore. I don't know if caring would mean removing myself from this particular group and going somewhere else, or just being done, period. I don't really feel like I'm DONE done, but I don't think I'm really getting anything or feel like I can grow from this particular situation anymore.

 I don't feel any real reason to work hard, and honestly I'm just bored. I don't know if that comes from kind of being done with Tacoma in general, or from something else.

I feel like a lot of things in my life are at a stalemate. I'm loving school; even Algebra I'm starting to get the hang of. But work, I'm just so over it. I don't love doing hair. I think for a while now I've been waiting for someone to tell me its OK to move on from this career. I just feel like a failure, and also weird and competitive, because so many of my friends have gone to beauty school and are now stylist.

 Its kind of funny, its "trendy" now to go to beauty school and be the "rock and roll stylist", it seems. It was not like that when I went to school. I was scared, and it wasn't really that "hip", unless you were a prissy princess type girl. I would talk about things I was into, and no one had a clue what I was talking about. I was the only girl in the whole school who had "crazy" colored hair and dressed all punk/goth-ish. Now thats everyone in a salon. Everyone has tattoos and "wild" hair, to the point where its not even original. And those damn feathers!


Anyways, I would like to continue doing hair while I'm in school, but I really just want my own space to do it in, I'm sick of feeling the weight of corporate shackles. I'm suffocating. I'm underpaid. I tried getting a new job, but nothings available, or people don't like me. Its such a nasty, catty field, I'm tired of it. And I just don't care anymore. I'm apathetic. Like with so many other things.