Sometimes I just feel like everything is hopeless and just defeating.

I'm very reluctant to go back to derby, and I don't know why. So much happened last season that I'm having a hard time letting go of, and I just don't really care anymore. I don't know if caring would mean removing myself from this particular group and going somewhere else, or just being done, period. I don't really feel like I'm DONE done, but I don't think I'm really getting anything or feel like I can grow from this particular situation anymore.

 I don't feel any real reason to work hard, and honestly I'm just bored. I don't know if that comes from kind of being done with Tacoma in general, or from something else.

I feel like a lot of things in my life are at a stalemate. I'm loving school; even Algebra I'm starting to get the hang of. But work, I'm just so over it. I don't love doing hair. I think for a while now I've been waiting for someone to tell me its OK to move on from this career. I just feel like a failure, and also weird and competitive, because so many of my friends have gone to beauty school and are now stylist.

 Its kind of funny, its "trendy" now to go to beauty school and be the "rock and roll stylist", it seems. It was not like that when I went to school. I was scared, and it wasn't really that "hip", unless you were a prissy princess type girl. I would talk about things I was into, and no one had a clue what I was talking about. I was the only girl in the whole school who had "crazy" colored hair and dressed all punk/goth-ish. Now thats everyone in a salon. Everyone has tattoos and "wild" hair, to the point where its not even original. And those damn feathers!


Anyways, I would like to continue doing hair while I'm in school, but I really just want my own space to do it in, I'm sick of feeling the weight of corporate shackles. I'm suffocating. I'm underpaid. I tried getting a new job, but nothings available, or people don't like me. Its such a nasty, catty field, I'm tired of it. And I just don't care anymore. I'm apathetic. Like with so many other things.

Today has been a little frustrating.


This Summer Quarter I am taking Pre-Algebra, and it is kicking my ass already. It is seriously that horrible already. To the point where I've developed Tension Headaches again because I'm so stressed out all the time about it.

 I haven't had a bout of Tension Headaches for a loong time. Basically I've had it since yesterday afternoon, and its just been unrelenting. Today its just been horrible. If you've ever had chronic headaches, you know that you can't just take some ibuprofen, and it goes away. I've found Magnesium works well for me, but only after I have a day or two's worth in my system. Meaning: I don't get any immediate relief from the pain. And actually, its not even really pain, its just a constant gnawing annoyance.

Actually, there is one thing that DOES work for immediate relief, but you can't just walk into the Dr's office or pharmacy and get narcotics. Vicodin usually does the trick to just knock it right out. Well, I guess SOME people can manipulate Dr's into giving them prescriptions, but as someone who's started training to treat drug addicts, its probably not a good idea to participate in drug seeking activities! Although, I am legitimately suffering. I'm actually cursing myself for tossing out the Percocet I was given for my Appendectomy last year. I just got rid of it a month or two ago. Dammit!

I'm gonna go to bed here in about an hour, so hopefully sleep will give me a little relief, and then I can take a full dose of Magnesium tomorrow, and hopefully be feeling better by Thursday! Ugh.

I am doing the right thing by going to school.

I learned this yesterday while sitting in on my first actual course towards my Human Services degree. I haven't been excited about any materials at all in school so far, so it felt amazing to be on the edge of my seat, listening to the instructor go over everything we're going to cover this quarter. I guess thats why last quarter felt like such a drag, because my computer class was boring and the math one was easy, but then frustrating later on.

My math class is moving right along, and so far so good I guess. I thought the teacher assigned us a ton of homework yesterday to be due today, but it turns out they were just practice problems, and we didn't actually have to turn them in. I was stressing myself out for no damn reason at all yesterday!

Today feels a lot better than yesterday, because I only had the one class, and I'm also not working. I filled in at work for a girl last night who's birthday it was (21, holla), and I was just exhausted after I got home. Then I had to do my "homework", and I just couldn't handle it. The neighbors baby was wailing, and their dog was whining (because it doesn't like to be put out on the patio, but they put it out there all the time anyways), then the baby stopped,  and someones smoke alarm went off, which set off the baby again, and ugh it was a nightmare. I totally had a break down and started crying. I was exhausted.

It feels good to have goals and things to work towards. I was in survival mode and depressed for a very long time, so I couldn't focus on anything asides from what was immediately in front of me. Now, I actually have some goals I'd like to achieve, and I'm working towards having a happy life. Yay me!

Learning to say "things are ok, things are going to be ok" was very hard for me, because for the longest time, every time I thought "things couldn't possibly get any worse", they would. Its ok to be happy. It doesn't mean that something terrible is right around the corner. I mean, it could be, but thats life. You have to learn to choose happiness, and take everything else as it comes.

This is another list...

Of things that are awesome. Right now. To me.

Psychobilly
Retro hair
Love
Learning
Working towards optimal health
Goals
"The one"
Future
Kittens (when are kittens NOT an awesome thing in my life)
Sunshine
Budding friendships


This list should be longer than the one of stupid things. My goal, since the beginning of the year, is to work on this. Time to take it up a step.

Yes, I had some bs happen over the last 2 years, but in the last 6 months, after making a conscious choice to become happy, I slowly have. Theres still a long way to go, but this is a start :)

This is my list...

... of things that are stupid.

Algebra
Screaming babies
whining dogs
Working
Drama
P!nk (the musician)
Cheap Vacuums
Getting up early
Being apart more than you're together from someone you love
Having to put in the work to get a degree
Not getting paid enough
Unprofessionalism
Broken engagements
Sleep deprivation
Apathy
Loneliness
Feeling fat
Self deprecation
Living alone


I think that should cover it. Most of these apply to me. A few do not.

I've said way too many goodbyes this week.

I said goodbye to Goldie Locksdown, who was the teammate I related to the most because we're both quiet. I said goodbye to McKenna Getta Witness tonight, who is deploying to Afghanistan very soon. I said goodbye to Knuckleberry Finn, who decided to leave the league and announced it yesterday. And I'll be saying goodbye to Rabbit Kix, who is another favorite teammate that I love working with on the track whos moving in a few weeks.

Too many goodbyes! WTF, everyone needs to quit leaving! Enough change. Now theres like 9 people left on my team, and we have a LOT of work ahead of us. Luckily the off season JUST started, so we have some time. We're planning some fun stuff for over the summer. But damn, goodbyes suck!

This is the last week of "Summer break" already. I can't believe it! Haha. I get another one August 15-September 19, so its not so bad ;) This week is actually crazy I'm thinking about trying to get out of my last fill in shift at the other shop on Wednesday so I can actually have time to relax! Basically my week is like this:

Today (Monday): Work 1-8 (I was booked all day)
Tuesday: 9am staff meeting, 12pm updo test run w/my lovely Thea, 7pm team meeting
Wednesday: Work (maybe, 9-4), Going away party for a teammate (she's deploying)
Thursday:Go to School to buy books & get parking pass, get a pedicure (ok, I know thats not a necessity, but I'm dying to get 2 years worth of derby callouses scraped off my feet. Thats how long its been since I've had a proper pedicure. Since I'm taking a week and a half off of skating, I want to have pretty feet for just a minute!), league meeting 7pm
Friday: Work 1-8
Saturday:Work 10-6
Sunday: OFF! Hooray! Have fun with Darrell!
Monday:Theas wedding (!!!) & Independence Day
Tuesday: School (first day) all day (8:50-2), then work 4-8 (fill in shift for co-worker whos turning 21), then out to celebrate with said co-worker and her sister :)


So yeah, as you can see, the next two weeks are pretty packed. Its all fun stuff, for the most part, so I'm not too stressed.

The season is OVER, and I'm SO happy, and ready to have a mini break. No practice this week for me at all, and then I'm missing next Tuesday because as I mentioned above, I'm covering my co-worker Nicoles shift so she can party because she's finally 21!

I ordered some outdoor wheels and I got them today, and can't wait to start doing some outdoor skating to have some fun and get a little endurance on the side! My team went trail skating last week for practice, and it felt so good to be outside, hauling ass on my skates :) I haven't felt that free doing anything in a really long time.

I'm not excited about having to be at work for some dumb staff meeting, early, on my day off, but I AM excited to see Thea (haven't seen her in over a year), and to meet her little sister. I really enjoy getting to do hair and have a small hand in the special day of people I care about. Even just my clients who's weddings I've been involved with makes me so happy. Weddings are just happy. Yay weddings!

I think I might need to go shopping for a laptop soon, because I have a feeling there is a lot of paper writing in my future, after this quarter.

Only death is eternal

This was my mantra for a very long time. Then I somehow forgot it, but I think it is a very important thing to remember. No matter how bad you feel like you fucked up and drifted away from your goals, hopes, and dreams, until that last breath is drawn it is NEVER too late to turn things around.

I spend a lot of time regretting things that I didn't do, and times when I've let other people draw me away from my true self.

 Over the past 6 years I've had some insane life shaping experiences, as everyone does in their 20's, and I've changed and tried out a lot. But deep down you always have your true self, no matter how much you allow yourself to be manipulated by others. I spent a long time in a relationship with someone who didn't really like the real me. He liked PARTS of me, but he was always trying to mold me into the version of me that HE wanted me to be, not just fully accept me and love me. In hindsight, that should have been a big red flag, but when you're in it, you always want to believe the best about someone you care about. "Oh, not I WANT to  discard all these things I like and care about, because so and so has shown me a much better way and better things to like". Bullshit. Sometimes I want to punch old me, but I wouldn't be who and where I am if it weren't for my past.

Today I completely cleared out these two old e-mail addresses off of my e-mail program on the computer because (a) They were created by my ex, and are on his server, so when we broke up I immediately abandoned them and created a g-mail that he would have no access and control over, and (b) since obviously they haven't been in use for almost 2 years, theres no need to have them around anymore. Occasionally my e-mail program wants to use one of them as my default address, and it gets really confusing for the people I'm e-mailing because they don't recognize the address and are like WTF.

While  completing this task, I browsed through my folders connected to those accounts to make sure I didn't delete anything of value or interest, and I came across all the e-mails from my Dad updating my Moms ups and downs on her short (11 months) battle with Cancer (trust me, I'm going somewhere with this). I can't believe how fucking in denial I was the whole time she was sick. He's describing in detail all these horrendous chemo treatments shes undergoing, and I was stupid enough to believe him when he said I didn't need to come down. Bullshit! I should have fucking dropped everything and been down there monthly. What the fuck was wrong with me? My Mom was DYING, and I truly believed that it was going to be ok and she'd pull through. I feel like an asshole. That is the biggest regret of my life; not going down to Salt Lake frequently during that time. I went there 3 times. THREE. Once when she was first diagnosed, once right before my Grandma died, and then for basically a month when she had her last episode with a collapsed lung and about to enter hospice, and eventually die.

I literally did not realize she was actually going to die until 2 days before it happened. What a naive idiot I was. Of course I didn't know better, I had no experience with death. I'd lost my Grandma a few months before, but she was almost 90, so its not like it was a huge shock or anything. Anyhow, the point I'm trying to make is this; if you feel like doing something or saying something, do it. Because once someone is dead, its too fucking late to do anything about it. Don't do things to pacify or please other people, do shit for YOU.

This is something I'm struggling to embrace and bring into my day to day life, because honestly I don't give a shit anymore. I want to live out loud and be true to myself. I want to speak up when I have a thought or opinion, instead of staying quiet because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird or dorky or a bitch. Sometimes shit needs to be said, and its not right to just stay quiet because someone might not like what you have to say. Theres a saying, which is "Well behaved Women rarely make history" which is true. Not that I'm saying that I have some world changing message to get out there, but I am tired of not having my voice heard.

This is turning into a rant, so I'm going to cut it off because I could ramble on with my disjointed thoughts all night, but seriously. Be loud! Be proud!

I am tired. So very, very tired.

I feel so old, but I just can't handle being on my feet all day anymore. I long for a job where I get paid decently and don't feel drained at the end of a full work day. Friday was really bad, I just wanted to collapse after my shift. It was a good reminder of why I'm going to school :)

I feel a lot less manic and angsty now, which is good. Last week was rough. I'm excited to start classes again, even though I'm doing a horrible math class! Fall quarter I'm doing all college level classes (100's and above), but no math. I'll be writing a lot of papers. Research and writing. My brain will be happy. Grades were posted last week, and I got A's in both my classes, resulting in a 4.0. I don't think I've had a 4.0 EVER. Yay me.

Met the boyfriends family yesterday. That went well, I think. I feel weird writing about him, because I know he reads this. Hi Darrell! :)

This week is fairly busy. Filling in at the other G.H. Hair Masters again this week on Wednesday, and our season championship game is on Saturday. Thats pretty sad, because a bunch of girls are retiring. There are 6 from my team alone retiring (and a few moving). I don't have to do ANYTHING tomorrow (well, except for team practice). I don't know what to do with myself! I need to pick up around the house a little bit, and maybe go walk Ruston Way if its nice out.

The summer is really starting to fill up with activity, and I'm really excited. Last summer was such a bummer. Being depressed in the summertime is the worst. It started off with Strep Throat and ended with Appendicitis. I have much higher hopes for this one ;) And at the end of it, I move, because my lease is up October 1st. Still not sure where to look for a new place, either Gig Harbor or Tacoma. I really love Tacoma but it would be nice to be closer to existing friends. I don't know. I'll miss this little apartment, but not the big price tag that comes along with it!

This week I have a serious case of the "I don't care"'s.

At least I'm finally starting to have faith in things working out somewhat favorably for me again.

They need someone to fill in on Wednesdays at the other Gig Harbor shop, so I'm working there for the next few weeks until school starts, and also I got an extra shift at my current shop on Thursdays, so I'm pretty much working full time again until summer quarter starts. It'll be nice to be busy, because seriously all the free time I had combined with nothing to do was seriously making me depressed, and I can't handle any more of that right now.

Even though things are so much better than they were a year ago, my depression and apathy seem to have hit an all time low. I don't think its something that can be treated with medication, though, I think its actually CAUSED by medication, if that makes any sense. I'm so damn apathetic all the time, I just can't get motivated to do anything to improve the quality of my life (i.e. getting out and DOING stuff). Gotta break OUT of that mode.  I have a lot of good things going on. I'm really dedicated and focused on derby. I have a relationship with seriously the most amazing guy ever whom I most likely have a very bright future with. Even though I don't know what I want to do, I actually started school, and did very well my first quarter back. Even in math. I have two bratty cats who depend on me and love me. Asides from mentally (sometimes), I'm very healthy and take good care of myself.

Those are all positive things I have going on right now, and need to focus on until I find more peace and joy in my day to day life.

I am bored.  As in, nothing interests me. At all. 

I have all this free time, and am just wasting it on nothing. I just feel like theres so much more I could be doing with my life. Actually, I KNOW I could be doing so much more. How did I get in to such a horrible funk?

I blame my medication *shakes fist at Celexa*, but thats just an excuse. I'm aware of the apathy, so I can do something about it. I feel like I can't even read, because nothing interests me. I've started so many books over the past year, and just can't seem to get into any of them. All different types of books. Just... nothing. 

It doesn't help that I'm super lonely, too, and almost all of my free time is spent alone. I know I should try and do things during that time to improve my life and make myself more interesting so I can actually make more friends, but I just don't. Then, because I spend so much time alone, when I AM around people, I feel totally awkward and have a hard time socializing and building new friendships. This past 2 years has probably been the most isolating and lonely time of my whole life. I am over it. 

I guess its my fault that I moved away from the little nest egg of friends I DID have built up, and foolishly thought that somehow moving to a new city would make me bust out of my shell and make all these new pals. I mean, I have met a ton of new people, exclusively through derby, but those relationships don't extend beyond practice, because everyone has their own lives. I guess it is what I make it. Its not like I actually invite anyone to do anything. I just assume everyones always busy and wouldn't want to hang out with me.

I just had a little pop up appear from my calender, reminding me that my Moms birthday is tomorrow (the 14th). Guess its time to remove the "reoccurring event" status on that. Its not like I'd ever forget her birthdate, and even if I forgot it as it passed occasionally, its not like she'd get hurt now.

My teeth hurt. I work tomorrow. Goodnight, Blogger.

Shopping is laaaaaaaame!

Just had a really frustrating experience trying to shop for summer clothes.

I'm thinking, perfect, I'm getting in better shape and losing a few pounds, what a perfect way to reward myself. WRONG!

I'm either too fat, my bodys shaped wrong, or whatever for every item I try on. Being in-between sizes is lame. All my existing bottoms (pants, skirts) are loose and falling off, but the next size down is too small. So, for some reason it made sense to console myself, with, yep, food. Got some frozen yogurt from this place at the mall I love where its self serve, and you can put toppings and stuff on it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel BAD about my body, I think I look good, but its frustrating to have such a difficult time outfitting myself. I guess I'll just keep working hard, and maybe someday I'll be able to find stuff that fits. And maybe next summer I can get some cute shorts at the mall. Bahh.

Tonight theres mandatory practice. Mandatory Sunday practices always throw a monkey wrench in my plans. Such is life in the Tide Pool. Sometimes derby can give you minor inconveniences, but you just roll with it (oh yeah, see what I did there?) for the greater good. Since its break between quarters, I have plenty of time over the next 3 weeks to be lazy and feel bored and useless.

Annie Elizabeth (May) Rosenlund

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my last surviving grandparents death, my Grandma Anne. She was 89.

I can't believe its been 2 years already. SO much has changed since then. That was the starting point of my descent into chaos. I spent that whole summer debilitated by panic attacks and insomnia. And then when I was finally starting to settle down, the final few remaining shreds of my life were ripped away within weeks of each other.

But this isn't about me, its about Grandma.


She was the only grandparent I really knew, as both my Mom & Dads fathers died before I was born (my Dads in the early 60's, and my Moms in the early 70's), and my Grandma Julia (Dads mom) died when I was like 3 or 4. She was always kind to me, even though she was difficult and it was obvious she was a pretty unhappy person. The last few times I saw her, she would always comment on how what I was wearing was "cute".  But it wouldn't be things you would think an elderly woman would consider "cute". It would always be my skull and crossbone socks, or a pyramid spiked belt with nautical stars on it, or something like that.

I remember one time, when I was 16, I went to visit her during the summer by myself for the first time, and it was MISERABLE! She was always hassling me because I'd sleep late, and she yelled at me for drinking "too much" diet coke (two much=2 or 3 cans. WAAY less than some people I know). In fact, she considered it as bad as my Grandpa Deans smoking. Relax, Grandma! It was terrible. A terrible week. But now I look back and smile, because that was just her.

The last time I saw her (April 2009), she was in a rehab center because she had almost died (on my birthday. Thats another story), and she randomly told me this story about how she was at a park one time when my Uncle Bruce (Moms older brother) when he was really small (before my Mom was born, so probably like 2 or 3), and he was sitting on the ground, and this cat came up to him and was rubbing and loving on him, and then she suddenly walked off to the bush where she came from, and started coming back and one by one brought all her teeny kittens to him. And he was just incredibly stoked and happy to be surrounded by all these kittens.

I love you, Grandma, and I hope to have the longevity you had!

This site confuses me. I have followers but I don't know how to follow them. Halp?

Rabbit, if you're reading this (and I know you are, because you told me tonight that you have been), start a blog! The internets need Rabbit randomness! Alien Egg should not just be kept alive by Snob and I!

Anyways, its been a weird day. Took the final, then ran around job hunting all afternoon. Got a few promising leads. I went into this one place and the guy was really interested and said he'd call me for an interview tomorrow, but its a place that mostly does Men's cuts, so I think if he calls I'll say "thanks but no thanks". He kinda seemed weird, anyway. This other place the guy was really nice and invited me to bring in a model next week and assist him with a wedding party on the 21st, but I think that may be a little more work than I'm willing to do at the moment. I'd be starting over from scratch at a place that doesn't get many new clients, and that would be difficult. Not like I could be making any less money than I am right now, anyways.


I added a few more classes to my Fall quarter schedule, so now I'm taking Psych 100, English Composition 101(tested in at college level. Hell yeah), and Computer User 105, which is beginning Microsoft Word & Excel, as well as intro to Microsoft Office Suite. I'm thinking it really can't hurt to get some computer training. I don't have much experience with Windows since I've been using a Mac for the past 5 years, and if I'm going to get any kind of well paying job outside of the salon world, I'll need to know it. I've been cruising Craigslist (no, not like that) just to see what other types of jobs are out there, and every office manager position requires knowing MS Office. I also need to get my typing skills up there. I don't know how many "WPM" I can type. I guess that can be my other summer project, along with running.


I really don't want to give up on hair, but its really hard to be motivated once you've been burned. Once bitten, twice shy. Once you've seen the dark side of the industry, you can't un-see it. I would be happy if I could work in a space where I can do what I want and take care of my clients with  no BS. I think the only way I could stay in the industry and be 100% happy is to be doing my own thing in my own space. Maybe thats a goal I can work towards once I get a better job and can be making good money again. Keep doing hair on the side in the meantime. Always on the side.


I keep forgetting that I agreed to pick up a shift tomorrow morning. I haven't opened since I went down to part time in March! Don't forget! Don't forget!

This afternoon I have my Math 075 final, and I didn't study for it. I was busy all weekend, and I guess I could have found some time yesterday, but other stuff just kept coming up.

I'm not really TOO worried, because only the last few chapters have been really confusing and lame (Pi, fractions, blah blah blah). I still think I'll be able to pull away with a B on the final. We spent a lot of time on Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication and Division, which is cake, so whatever. I don't really care.

Is that bad? I dunno. I have a 95% in that class, so its like, fuck it, I'm still going to pass with a decent grade  even if I fail the damn final. We'll see. I'll probably be cursing myself during the test because I won't remember something simple.


I'm also going to print up a bunch of resumes so I can head over to Gig Harbor after the test and job hunt a little. I need to get out of this funk, any way possible. Hopefully I can find something. I know I'm gonna steer clear of Jax, because Jack Call is a flakey jerk, but other than that I'm gonna hit every salon I know of.

...and now for something completely different.

Ok, felt the need to balance that negative one with a more light post! I couldn't include anything else with that one, I just had to get all the resentment and frustration out in one pop.


A few weeks ago I started a great diet program by a company called Herbalife. Its a little pricey, but I've really been feeling great on it. A lot more ability to "push" during practice, and just in general a bit more energy. I've lost 5 pounds so far!

I decided that my summer "project" is to start running. I never thought I would want to be a runner. I hate running, actually.Buuut... it seems like it would be a fun way to be active, get out of the house, and get some good cardio.

Now that I have the energy, I really want to push hard and get super in shape, and make next season be the most kick ass derby season ever! It will be my 5th year skating, and I'm not gonna be able to skate forever, so I really want to give it all I've got. In the next few years I'd really like to settle down and have a family, and when I have kids, I'm just gonna be done. I'll want to focus 100% on them when they're little, and doing derby just wouldn't fit in. Wow, writing those last two sentences made me really sad. But, its true. Huh...

Anyways, yes that is how I think I'd like to spend my summer. I'm trying out for the All Star team again on the 30th(only expecting to make the Draft Pool again, but I'm ok with that), so its not like I'll get a break from practice anyways, in our "off season" (hah! what a joke derby "off seasons" are).

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG!!

Every month and a half or so, I go through a period of time (usually a week) where I just get totally overwhelmed, and everything feels totally fucked. This is one of those weeks.

Today I told my Dad I don't want to continue with the Human Services program I started into at the local community college, and we had a disagreement about it. If I do continue with school (I didn't even mention the fact that after going for one quarter, I actually just want to get back into the work force and go at my hair career seriously again. I'm pretty sure he would have flipped out on me), I just want to get a general Associates Degree in Arts & Sciences. He kept trying to tell me do some other technical program, and I was just like look, I already did a fucking tech program (ok I didn't say it like that), I just want to get some higher education. He was not pleased, and was not really fucking listening to me. Then he started being a little jerky about it and talking to me like I'm stupid and a fucking moron. Pisses me off :-/

His attitude of talking down to me has been going on since I was a teenager, and I felt like I was 15 again this afternoon. Not happy.

The truth of the situation is, that I haven't really been doing anything for the past year and change, and have been living beyond my means (but staying out of debt because of an inheritance that is quickly running out). I feel like a loser.

My Dad was not happy about my plan, but you know what, I'm 27 years old, and seriously I can't live in fear of disappointing him anymore. Because I do. I hide my tattoos from him. I bite my tongue every time politics come up. I'm afraid to stand up for Animal Rights against him I can't do it anymore. Seriously, though if I am going to get a good paying job outside of the salon industry some day, I'd need to do general education stuff that I'm doing now anyways. All offices require you to be familiar with Microsoft Office/Excel/Etc., and yes I'm pretty good with writing, but I still need to brush up on my grammar skills anyways. AND, I think Psychology, Sociology, and Poly Sci would personally enrich my life.

I'm doing this. I re-submitted my Financial Aid form today (I qualify to get a Pell Grant of $4,000), and am going to bust my ass over the three weeks between quarters to get a better paying job(I already applied at this one super rad higher end salon in Tacoma that is hiring. Hoping I hear back from that one), and get away from being financially dependent on him, because I just don't like this. I don't care how damn hard I have to work, I'm just sick of feeling the way I do, and have for the past over a year. I took my time to get over being depressed about my life falling apart, and now its time to rally and get my shit together, because this is just ridiculous.

Check baby...

...check baby 1.2.3...

This is my first post. I just chugged a protein shake. I'm going to be late to practice. More later. I got somethin' to say!