This was my mantra for a very long time. Then I somehow forgot it, but I think it is a very important thing to remember. No matter how bad you feel like you fucked up and drifted away from your goals, hopes, and dreams, until that last breath is drawn it is NEVER too late to turn things around.
I spend a lot of time regretting things that I didn't do, and times when I've let other people draw me away from my true self.
Over the past 6 years I've had some insane life shaping experiences, as everyone does in their 20's, and I've changed and tried out a lot. But deep down you always have your true self, no matter how much you allow yourself to be manipulated by others. I spent a long time in a relationship with someone who didn't really like the real me. He liked PARTS of me, but he was always trying to mold me into the version of me that HE wanted me to be, not just fully accept me and love me. In hindsight, that should have been a big red flag, but when you're in it, you always want to believe the best about someone you care about. "Oh, not I WANT to discard all these things I like and care about, because so and so has shown me a much better way and better things to like". Bullshit. Sometimes I want to punch old me, but I wouldn't be who and where I am if it weren't for my past.
Today I completely cleared out these two old e-mail addresses off of my e-mail program on the computer because (a) They were created by my ex, and are on his server, so when we broke up I immediately abandoned them and created a g-mail that he would have no access and control over, and (b) since obviously they haven't been in use for almost 2 years, theres no need to have them around anymore. Occasionally my e-mail program wants to use one of them as my default address, and it gets really confusing for the people I'm e-mailing because they don't recognize the address and are like WTF.
While completing this task, I browsed through my folders connected to those accounts to make sure I didn't delete anything of value or interest, and I came across all the e-mails from my Dad updating my Moms ups and downs on her short (11 months) battle with Cancer (trust me, I'm going somewhere with this). I can't believe how fucking in denial I was the whole time she was sick. He's describing in detail all these horrendous chemo treatments shes undergoing, and I was stupid enough to believe him when he said I didn't need to come down. Bullshit! I should have fucking dropped everything and been down there monthly. What the fuck was wrong with me? My Mom was DYING, and I truly believed that it was going to be ok and she'd pull through. I feel like an asshole. That is the biggest regret of my life; not going down to Salt Lake frequently during that time. I went there 3 times. THREE. Once when she was first diagnosed, once right before my Grandma died, and then for basically a month when she had her last episode with a collapsed lung and about to enter hospice, and eventually die.
I literally did not realize she was actually going to die until 2 days before it happened. What a naive idiot I was. Of course I didn't know better, I had no experience with death. I'd lost my Grandma a few months before, but she was almost 90, so its not like it was a huge shock or anything. Anyhow, the point I'm trying to make is this; if you feel like doing something or saying something, do it. Because once someone is dead, its too fucking late to do anything about it. Don't do things to pacify or please other people, do shit for YOU.
This is something I'm struggling to embrace and bring into my day to day life, because honestly I don't give a shit anymore. I want to live out loud and be true to myself. I want to speak up when I have a thought or opinion, instead of staying quiet because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird or dorky or a bitch. Sometimes shit needs to be said, and its not right to just stay quiet because someone might not like what you have to say. Theres a saying, which is "Well behaved Women rarely make history" which is true. Not that I'm saying that I have some world changing message to get out there, but I am tired of not having my voice heard.
This is turning into a rant, so I'm going to cut it off because I could ramble on with my disjointed thoughts all night, but seriously. Be loud! Be proud!
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